so it's all a game, right? everyone knows it. but the rules...what are the rules? therein lies the mystery. i'd like to say i'm smarter now than i was then. i'd love to say that i've learned a thing or two, that a scar is a lesson and not just a story. but if truth be told, i think i'm dumber now than i was in high school. and whether i'm dumber or smarter, i'm definitely less lucky.
i bet you think this is about girls. well, not really. kinda. no. it's not. it's about life. and sometimes when i'm sitting here in my apartment by myself and i check the same 5 websites over and over again and i listen to the same songs on repeat and i say the same things on the phone to the same people i think that i've gotten myself into something that i can't get out of.
am i in a rut? can i think my way out of it? can i work my way out of it? or will i just distract myself deeper into it. i haven't recorded any music lately. lately it terrifies me. because i'm close to done, i guess. and when you finish it and you put it out there then it's gone and it'll never be back. and you have to do more. do i have more? sometimes i think so. sometimes i don't and i panic and i think right now i might be panicking.
ride it out. something will happen. something has to happen. you can't go on forever without anything happening.
did you know the big bang happened in one trillion-trillionth of a second? do you know how many big bangs i've wasted sitting at this desk typing on this keyboard to god knows who where what? a lot.
i don't want you to think i'm not happy. in fact, i think this is because i've been feeling happy lately. and comfortable. and holy shit am i afraid of comfort. because i think i've trained myself to believe that comfort means you're giving in. or you're not doing something you're supposed to. or you're not working hard enough. if you've been to the top and then you're not anymore you can kid yourself all you want but you know that you won't be really happy until you're there again. so don't get comfortable. or you won't be the best. i've been the best a few times. not right now though. but i am not that different a fish than i used to be. i am, however, swimming in a huge fucking pond these days. i think i just put my finger on what i haven't been able to put my finger on. and it was slimy and scaly. like a fish. or a snake. in a plane. (cough cough.)
sorry i had to take you along for this ride. although i suppose you could have jumped ship anytime.
also, i was going to embed this video of barney that someone cut up so it's sort of choreographed to a tupac song but then i decided just to link to it because it's got fuckwords in it and i figured i'd let you watch at your own discretion. but it sure made me laugh to beat the band.