i am i am i said i'm not myself

i guess it doesn't happen often, but once in a while i can think myself into such a mess that i'm basically paralyzed. and it takes forever to calm down. i was trying to sleep just now. wanted to get to bed early tonight, it's already been a long week and i was really hoping for a good night's sleep.

but instead i lie there and nothing i can do or think can prevent these scenes from looping through my mind. things i never should've known about in the first place. mistakes i made and knew i was making. water so far under the bridge that by now it's surely reached the ocean. he said she said you said i said and none of us were right.

and none of it can be changed and i probably wouldn't want to even if it could but i'm sure i'd think long and hard.

it's probably the impending holidays. and it's definitely the other thing that i can't even bring myself to talk about yet but i'm sure i will soon.

more and more i feel like a fish out of water.

maybe it's time to head west. or just go home. is that where the heart hides these days? maybe it's time to pick up the phone or maybe it's time to lose the number.

maybe if i sit here writing for long enough something'll occur to me and all the pieces will fit. like the puzzle on my coffee table that i'm sick of looking at but it took too much effort to just dismantle. or maybe i'll just get so tired that i'll be able to fall asleep.

tidbit: the fastest mile i ever ran my shoe fell off during the first lap.

there's a word i can't think of (david?) for attributing human emotions to inanimate objects...like when you feel bad about throwing a rock into a lake because now it's gotta sit at the bottom of the lake when it had a nice place on dry land. whatever that word is, i do it a lot.

this is almost definitely the most rambling, pointless, and discombobulated thing i have ever written for public consumption but i'm not sorry.

i'm gonna go lie in bed some more.

maybe i need to move. this place is haunted.