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20 November 2005

waste one.

(if you're pitching and you're ahead of the batter in the count, waste one. see if you can make him swing at something unhittable. it's going to be a long winter.)

i spend a lot of time thinking about things i've done and said. and the things i might have done differently. i am the woulda-coulda-shoulda-buddha. which is where most of these songs come from, and i suppose where much of this blog finds its inspiration.

funny thing about this blog is, it wasn't originally intended to be one. i built a simple site so people could check out my music. and i built a really simple news section so that i could give important updates like (shh...i know none of this is really important). but then it became a pain in the rear to update the html and format it correctly and ftp it to the server every time i wanted to let people know anything, so i figured i'd just let the friendly folks* at blogger do that work for me.

and that's when it happened. i got hooked on this. for probably similar reasons to why i started writing songs in the first place. connection. (i realize right now that this post has veered away from its original intent and i am not strong enough to steer it back on course. oh well.)

i am shy to a debilitating extent. i can't talk to girls in bars (or anywhere else where other people are around). fuck, i even have a hard time talking to bank tellers. and just forget about calling some customer service line to complain about something.

but if you can write a song (or, i guess, a blog) and people can relate to what you're trying to say, then all of the sudden you've got that connection, and you didn't need to talk to anyone to do it. hell, you never needed to leave your living room.

and so here we are. i have a blog. it's nothing, really. but it's less nothing than it used to be. it's instant. it's easy. it takes me months to produce a song. it takes about 20 seconds to post this bad boy once i've written it.

i didn't mean to write about this today. it just happened. i was going to tell you all about my weekend and speak vaguely about ghosts from my past. but i guess i can always do that some other time.

is this a distraction?

*they are good people, really. i know one.


  1. "i am the woulda-coulda-shoulda-buddha" Oh yeah, me to. And the what-if queen. Not just past what ifs, but future ones, too. They haunt me, and keep me from sleeping. I hate them. They make me want to drink wine and forget to worry about everything that could go wrong, and everything that I feel like has gone wrong, or right but not in the ways that I expected, or... on and on and on.

    I think some people have the ability to let all of this go. To roll with the punches, let the past be the past, forgive and forget, whatever you want to call it. Some can do it, but it takes a lot of work. Some will spend forever analyzing. I tend to put myself somewhere between those second two categories. Things get easier to let go with time, but it does take time. Or anger, that's good for not caring, eventually. I don't think it makes you weird.

    My husband is like you, about talking to people. Start small. Don't talk, just smile at people, and see how many smile back. But you have to mean the smile... you have to think about something that makes you happy, and let people see that. Smiling connects people without words, without you saying anything, too :)

    I, for one, like your blog. I find it really interesting. I wish you would post the stuff that you talk about avoiding!

  2. in my old age i'm finding it easier and easier to roll with the punches. but it feels a lot like apathy.

    i guess eventually you get comfortable in your own skin. until then, there's always the internet. :)

  3. i understand this getting easier to roll with the punches as you get older thing. My best friend recently returned from OS, and we hung out for the first time (he lives in Brisbane) last week. He called me later to tell me that i have mellowed out big time, and "seem more comfortable" with myself...which was weird because i was thinking the same thing after I went home from hanging out with him ("home" being the best budget hotel I have ever stayed in on tour). Spending time with him really made me realise that i had come to terms with a whole lot of stuff that has just made me a more low key person...anyway ranting now! I really should start a blog...then I can tick the "blogger" box below instead of the "other" box....