It was about 3 AM last night, in the midst of what seemed like my 50th consecutive demoralizing Halo 3 defeat (at the hands of someone named dic gozenya, natch) that my mind started desperately searching for something nice to think about -- some ointment or salve to dull the sting of the drubbing. My usual late-night go-to's (global warming, peak oil, perpetual war, the inevitable end of the world as we know it)* weren't helping much.
But on a microcosmic level, if you can look past my Halo deficiencies, my life is actually pretty awesome lately.
I have a new job that I not only like, but flirt with loving. I got my ass kicked almost every day in the halls when I was in middle school. In high school, all I wanted in the world was to play soccer (even junior varsity...please?), but I got cut 4 years in a row. Growing up, there weren't many things that I could turn to for a confidence boost, but one thing I always knew I could own was a standardized test. And now, almost by complete dumb luck, I'm fortunate enough to be making a living exploiting that very aptitude. I don't expect many people to be smiling and nodding along at this point, but if professional sports were never meant to be for me, I'm still lucky enough to be doing something I enjoy and getting paid for it.
And then there's the girl. Things are good. I shudder to think of the sheer volume of words I've wasted in this space on spite, vitriol, malice, and shame with respect to girls I've known more than casually. I lack similar drive to expatiate upon the good times publicly. But things are good.
Which I guess brings me to why I sat down to write this post in the first place. A commenter on this post asked me about my inspiration for the songs on this site. The answer is that most of this stuff is entirely autobiographical. And I guess I'm glad that I wrote these songs when I did, because I'm fairly sure I couldn't write them now. I'm just not sad that way anymore. In fact, the only song I've really written in the past year (shit, it's been that long) has been a cutesy sort of "I've got a crush on you" song (for private use).
I think what's been keeping the guitar out of my hands of late (aside from purely docket-related contraints) is that the things I think about these days that I think are worth writing songs about are beyond my reach as a songwriter. It's one thing to write a song that ends up being a bit trite when it's about a failed relationship, but it's a much more shameful enterprise to write songs about politics and impending doom if you're not up to snuff. Some of the worst songs I've ever heard have been well-intentioned examples of this, and I'm reluctant (nay, loath) to add to that din.
This is in no way a promise never to write another song, or even a promise never to attempt some social/political/moral commentary in a lyric. Just a statement of reluctance to actively suck, and an attempt to justify the regrettable dearth of fresh content on the site of late.
* I lose a lot of sleep.